Life anaesthetizes. Deep wounds and repeated pains administer the drug in an instant, or over time; without realizing it you’ve fallen under the spell caused by hurts, losses, tragedies, broken hearts, and disappointments. As time goes by you may learn to live, love, laugh again, but it no longer comes from a place of innocence. Your heart has been shattered. Putting it back together isn’t easy, even though you are doing the best you can. ‘It’ has left you changed.
You protect your heart by not allowing yourself to feel anything as deeply as you did before. You don’t realize you’re doing this; or, if you do, you don’t know how to change it. The anaesthesia dullens highs, and intensifies lows. Emotions, those God-given signals to alert us to good and bad in our lives, can no longer be trusted. They cannot function properly while the anaesthesia is at work.
And so you coast along, superficially living, loving, laughing, not allowing any person or feeling to get past a level you’ve deemed as your acceptable safe zone. Sometimes you are aware that things don’t register with you the way they do with other people. Depth is missing from your life, because to allow it would mean opening up the deep parts of you where the wounds, pain, loss, and disappointments lie buried. And you dare not go there. Letting them stay there, uncovered, untouched, is life’s anaesthesia.
What options do you have when you recognize that your heart has reached this stage? How do you get out of this place? Do you stay there and go to your grave with it, or, do you pull your heart up by its bootstraps and knock some sense into it? Do you tell your heart to ‘Grow up!’ and teach yourself to start feeling again?
It would be great if it were so easy!
Do you want to feel again? To love deeply again? To experience life’s highs and lows without the continuous dullening drip of life’s anaesthesia? Have you tried everything you know to do, but nothing has worked?
I believe in the power of the simple prayer of faith and surrender. No fancy words; no special place. Just prayers uttered right where you are when you understand that the help and healing you crave is out of your hands.
God desires our hearts because that is where real work begins. It is the wellspring of life. David’s cry, ‘Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.’(Ps 51:10), is met with I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. (Ez 36:26). This is a cry He wants us to make because it is a work that He wants to do in us.
It doesn’t matter where you find yourself on the Christianity scale: you may have been a Christian for many years, or you maybe you haven’t said a prayer in a very long time. God wants your heart, again. That is the business He is in.
‘Here’s my heart Lord, speak what is true’. (Lauren Daigle).
©Debbie Mendoza, March 2018.
Get a copy of Debbie Mendoza’s Exodus: A Journey Through Divorce on Amazon if you need spiritual help for yourself or for someone going through a divorce.
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